Sometimes, working online turns me into a creep...
... and I don't always like that creep.
There are many ways you can be a creep.
There are, of course, the more insidious possibilities. Creeps are, well, creepy. They do creepy things. When things get really creepy, their exploits might even be covered in headlines—and in the occasional documentary even further down the road.
That’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m not that kind of creep. I know some of you only know me through a screen, but I hope I’ve offered enough ~honesty and vulnerability~ in our time together to put any suspicions at rest.
Here’s a smattering of particularly ~honest and vulnerable~ posts, just in case you’re still not sure:
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my life online, and how working primarily in this space can impact my behavior, my mental health, and my sense of self. ICYMI, I do a little bit of a lot of things creatively for work, and while my primary goal is to be able to write fiction full-time, as a freelancer and podcaster, I spend a lot of time in the world of content creation in the meantime.
Like most people, I think, I have a complicated relationship with the online economy, and I don’t always like who I am when I think too hard about it. This is where I can be a bit of a creep. When I was a kid, my grandfather had a habit of using the word “creep” to cover all manner of unlikable or off-putting people, so it always makes me laugh.
It turns out, though, that the actual definition is even more perfect for this moment of reflection than I could have hoped. You know I love to refer to the dictionary, and before I employed “creep” as total clickbait, I decided to look it up. According to our trustworthy friends at Oxford, a creep is a generally detestable person (shoutout to my grandfather for being all over that one), but it also has a more specific definition:
A creep is a person who behaves in an obsequious way in the hope of advancement.
And here I am, owning it. I’m pretty sure this definition has never described me IRL, but when it comes to life and work online, I have—at times—admittedly been guilty as charged.
Currently Reading: Margo’s Got Money Troubles by Rufi Thorpe
I’m committed to finishing this up before we leave for Colorado on Friday, and I’m sort of heartbroken that it won’t be a travel buddy. This book is everything I hoped it would be based on the glowing recommendations I saw and heard about it. It’s fun and hilarious, but is also working on multiple levels, and I have a feeling I’ll be thinking about it and trying to unpack it for a long time.
I wrote about this earlier this summer in a post about what I called the economics of being your annoying, self-promoting friend on the internet.
But I’m not sure that I fully captured there what it feels like to be a person creating content online: the way it makes you question all of your own hard work, wonder what more you can do to get ahead, and—maybe, just maybe—resent the people who have (often for seemingly inexplicable reasons) hit milestones that have so far remained elusive to you.
Please hear me when I say that I’m not complaining!
Like most of my posts here, this one was inspired by what I’ve been ruminating on lately, and I’ve waited to write it until I felt ready to be fully self-aware and candid. It was handy that the word “creep” technically worked here to help get your attention, but these thoughts are, as always, totally the real deal. For the many hours that most of us spend consuming content and resources online, I’m not convinced that there’s meaningful transparency about what goes on on the creator’s side. As a smallish creator who’s shared work across all kinds of media over the last few years, I guess I feel called to illuminate some of that! But I’m not expecting a pity party. Far from it! Every job and industry has its own obstacles to growth, and these are some of mine.
Today, we discuss the obstacle of feeling like I can be a creep and not really liking that about myself.
Exhibit A: I have never considered myself a very jealous person. Ask anyone! I’m pretty secure in my personal relationships and I feel sure enough of who I am that I don’t naturally get caught obsessing about who I could be and why I’m not that person. FOMO’s not a thing for me. Social media doesn’t even trigger it.
Well, at least not personally. And not until recently. In recent months, watching other people do their professional thing online has had a tendency to get me fired. up. And maybe even a little jealous. And yes, it makes me tempted to behave in an obsequious way in the hope of advancement.
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