The most embarrassing thing I'm feeling with the end of my podcast

(Like, I really don't feel good about it)

Earlier this week, the final episode of The SSR Podcast dropped.

SSR has been a passion project of mine since 2018, and it’s something I’ve built and worked on 100% on my own. More than three hundred episodes later, it’s a little surreal that it’s just… done now.

The end of an era: why my podcast is saying goodbye after seven years

There were a lot of good reasons for me to back off from the podcast at this stage, but that doesn’t make it any easier to sit with the reality of that chapter being closed.

I have a lot of feelings about the whole thing.

Most of those feelings are about what you would expect.

I feel proud of myself for reaching a point with the SSR community where I can walk away with my head held high, knowing that it’s become important to so many people.

I feel grateful for the opportunities the show has afforded me and for the relationships it’s fostered over the years.

I feel humbled by the kind, generous messages I’ve received from listeners who are sad to see the show go.

I’m excited for the next chapter of my creative life. The evolution of other projects is one of the biggest reasons that I knew I had to say goodbye to running a weekly pod all by myself.

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Currently Reading: On the Rooftop by Margaret Wilkerson Sexton

As a lifelong fan of Fiddler on the Roof, I couldn’t wait to see how Margaret Wilkerson Sexton drew inspiration from the musical in this book. Finding those threads has probably been my favorite part of On the Rooftop so far! Tracing the connections between Tevye’s story and this narrative—which is set in a historically Black San Francisco neighborhood in the 1950s—feels like a scavenger hunt! For me, the book is a little slow at times, but my connection to the source material is keeping me turning the pages.

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I’m overwhelmed by the way my schedule is fundamentally changing in the post-SSR era. Producing the show has occupied hours of every week for the last seven years, and taking it out of the equation rocks my world a little bit! It’s holding me accountable to lean further into other work I’m committed to doing.

I’m frustrated that there were circumstances outside of my control that dictated when this had to happen. (I talk more about this on this week’s episode.)

I’m sad that I won’t have the chance to engage with the online community the way I’ve gotten used to in the context of SSR.

I’m feeling a little unsure of myself, like maybe it’s only a matter of time before I wake up one day and regret making this call.

This one’s tough to admit, but I’m maybe even a little embarrassed. I’m trying to rethink my relationship to “quitting,” but none of us have been conditioned to see stepping away from something as a cause for celebration. Intellectually and objectively, I know I have nothing to be ashamed about, but I’ve never been one to “give up,” and it’s hard to fight that.

None of these emotions are especially surprising to me at this juncture, but there is one thing I’m feeling that I’m really struggling to sit with.