What the world *wants* me to think about being a mom...

... before I actually get to try being one

Frequently, something very predictable can happen when I make a comment that suggests I have any expectations about how I might experience parenthood or how Matt and I might choose to approach this next chapter of life for our family, particularly in the presence of a veteran parent. There’s an eye roll or a chuckle, often followed by a comment along the lines of “I guess we’ll see how it goes!” or “I used to say stuff like that, too.”

Before I go any further, let me just say: I understand where these people are coming from—and many of them are people I love! I’m certainly not here to criticize them, especially when they’re simply reacting to the obvious gulf between their experience with parenting and my own. As I write this, I’m still a few months away from officially becoming a mom, and knowing that it’s an incredibly challenging job, I would never pretend to be an expert.

What I’d like to offer here is a sort of reframe…

As a mom-to-be who took a little longer than your average partnered thirty-something to feel “ready” (though I know ready is a myth) to have children, I can’t help but think that we do a collective disservice to ourselves when we undersell our peers’ ability to parent lovingly and effectively before they’ve even had a chance to try.

I’ve noticed a trend in the media over the last few weeks that seems to be pinning friends with kids against friends without kids. The headlines, I believe, prey on our fears of abandonment, of being left behind, of being defective because we don’t want the things that our peers want exactly when those peers want them. They suggest that the decision to procreate is one that will not only turn your own life upside-down but will also inevitably crush your meaningful friendships for the long term. Another disclaimer: I am not naive enough to believe that friendships—and all relationships—will stay the same in the face of major life transitions. They won’t. Mine won’t… and that will be hard and weird to navigate. Still, I think there is major harm in doubling down on the hard lines drawn between parents and non-parents or still-to-be-parents. This is, obviously, a much larger discussion, and one that—if what I’m seeing all over the internet and magazines is any indication—will continue to play out until we’ve talked it to death. In the meantime, I would throw my own gentle suggestion into the mix…