Oh, HELLO.
Have I completely disappeared for the last week and a half? YES.
Did my baby decide to make his entrance into the world a little early? YES.
Are we all happy, healthy, and safe? Thankfully, YES.
Did I have big plans to bank at least a handful of posts to have ready to go after his arrival that were promptly shot to you-know-where by Will’s—ahem—punctuality? YES.
Am I going to make apologies (even on his behalf) for my “failure” to do so? NO. (Well, I’m going to try really hard not to because being apologetic is in my nature and women, in particular, say they’re sorry way too much and I’ve just had this totally transformative week and I’m loving this time with my baby and we all deserve that time, damn it!)
Okay, so that’s where I’ve been and where I am.
I don’t expect to be back in my usual posting cadence for a minute, but I am really enjoying taking little pockets here and there for work, writing, and creativity—and this space is the perfect outlet for that! So (gratuitous apology incoming!) please do forgive me as I find a new groove and bear with me while I adjust the plans I’d made for content pre-Will. We love our timely little Capricorn!
As I’ve made clear in the past, I have no intention of making this a ~parenting newsletter.~ I am in no position to be dishing out advice or even personal experience with a loose “this-helped-me-so-it-might-help-you” sort of bent. There are plenty of people out there offering that to new and expectant parents. You know where to find them and you know how much it serves you—or doesn’t. Plus, while being Will’s mom has quickly become a huge part of my identity, there are plenty of other things I want to explore about myself and the world. I plan to keep doing that right here!
That being said, as you might expect, my life and my thoughts this past week have been (mostly blissfully) dominated by all things baby, so I can’t help but reflect on that experience today.
I can only speak to my own experience, of course, and I know that everyone processes the highs and lows of birth, post-partum, and newborn parenting differently. There are plenty of hormones in the mix, not to mention the very real impacts of PPD and PPA. Toss in a few sleepless nights, recovery from a massive physical feat, and new dynamics with loved ones and you’ve got yourself a recipe for what can only be described as a shitshow. Everyone’s shitshow has its own special something. If you’re reading this and find it not to be reflective of your experience, I hope we can agree on one thing: this is a wild thing to navigate. Please accept my virtual hugs, regardless of where you are or have been in the journey.
My first week of motherhood has been one of surprises—thankfully, most of them of the pleasant variety.
Maybe it’s because I had low expectations to begin with. I’ve never been especially drawn to newborns or small babies or to snuggling, in general, and while I’d heard all the stories about how “it’s different when it’s your own,” I was prepared to feel like I needed to simply keep my head down, survive the first few months, and look ahead to the chapters of parenting that I always assumed I’d like more.
Perhaps the biggest shock (to me and my friends and family) has been how much I’ve genuinely enjoyed the newborn bubble.
Currently Reading: Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros
Yes, yes, I’ve finally done it. As an adult reader, I don’t tend to gravitate toward books in the fantasy genre—and I have what is perhaps a bit of a snobby allergy to anything that seems like too much of a ~sensation~—but I’ve had Fourth Wing at the top of my maternity leave reading list for a few months. I’m only a few chapters in at this point, but I think I’m starting to understand the hype. Since I don’t read a lot of novels so heavy on world-building these days, it was slow-going getting into things and orienting myself (or is it just the exhaustion?), but now that I’m in, I’m in.
As much as I worried I wouldn’t, it’s occurred to me since we got home from the hospital last week that my personality does naturally lend itself to this strange little window of time. I love being home and cozy. I don’t suffer from a lot of FOMO about what’s happening in the outside world and—to paraphrase our girl Glennon Doyle—often feel that making plans with someone feels more like a game of chicken to see who might cancel first than anything else. I crave routines and consistency more than I do exciting twists and turns. I’m an introvert and am lucky to have a partnership that makes me feel seen and understood.
All of these things—surprise!—seem to make me pretty adaptable to having a brand-new baby, especially while being stuck in the house thanks to bad weather and flu season.
There have been other surprises, too.
Here are just a few of them…
I felt a weird sense of grief about the end of the hospital experience. Even after what was objectively a textbook delivery, I couldn’t have been more excited to leave the hospital and get home with my little family. We were told we would be discharged at eleven o’clock and my bags were literally packed at 7:30. But I cried as we were pulling out of the parking lot! Yes, there are hormones, and yes, there’s the bittersweet quality you always hear about that comes with being casually sent away with a full human life in your hands, but as we said goodbye, I also realized how much my medical team had become part of my routine, especially in the final stretch of pregnancy. The doctors and nurses who took such good care of me (and of Will!) felt like friends, and I was sad thinking about them just… dropping out of my life. With a baby that came two weeks early, I wasn’t prepared for that! I’ve always had a healthy dose of white coat syndrome, so it was a welcome surprise to discover that the last nine months have inspired such an appreciation—even affection!—for my medical providers.
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Getting It Alli Together to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.