Hi, it's me, making mom friends.
Making new ones, keeping the old, and everything in between
Here are a few things about me and friendship:
As a teenager, I had a tendency to flaunt the whole ~not like other girls~ thing, which makes me cringe in hindsight. When it came to friendship, this looked like taking pride (again—cringe!) in having minimal friendships with girls and being something of a guy’s girl.
If you’ve gotten to know me more recently, that last point is probably a little surprising. Since college, there’s been a real shift in my friendships, and I’ve definitely gravitated almost exclusively toward friendships with other women. I chalk this up to the beginning of my relationship with Matt, the realization that I would never make better guy friends than the ones I had in high school, and the all-too-late discovery that hanging out with other gals is just the best.
My years in New York were a blur of assembling and celebrating the most delightful found family a girl could wish for. This is what my twenties were all about—finding myself and finding myself in the company of amazing friends. Letting go of that local community was easily one of the scariest things about leaving New York at the beginning of 2020.
At this point, my friends from high school, college, and my twenties are scattered all over the country. This is, of course, a common experience—but I will say that it often feels as though my ability to develop a nearby social circle here in Philadelphia has lagged more than feels “normal.”
Over the last few years, I’ve done a lot of The Work necessary to get more comfortable with the state of my friendships. For a long time, I felt as though it was up to me to maintain 150% of the emotional upkeep in each relationship, and I took on a lot of the “blame” for shifting dynamics. More recently, I’ve been able to come to peace with the status of various friendships, to appreciate people for who they are, and to let go of the pressure to maintain BFF status within every friendship. As a result, I feel like I can see my friendships more clearly than I did before… and I’m not trying to force them to be something they’re not.
I’m not a person who needs a lot of attention from most of her friends, but I do think I’m good at embracing relationships where they are and showing up for my people when they need me. I’m not always the best at initiating plans—largely because, as an introvert, I rarely crave them—but I have no problem jumping into a hang or adventure when someone suggests it.
I love friendships that allow me to easily pick up where we left off after weeks or months without spending a lot of time analyzing the state of the relationship. I also love being friends with people who make me laugh, trust the intentions of their loved ones, know how to walk the line between gossiping and processing, read as much as they watch terrible TV, feel comfortable with quiet, and understand the value of small acts of service in friendship.
When Matt and I left New York and landed in Philly in the spring of 2020, I knew that establishing new friendships would be a challenge. I’d heard stories from other people who had struggled to make “adult friends”—and on top of that, we were in the height of pandemic lockdown, which meant I had limited opportunities to get out and mingle (a prospect that’s daunting enough for my introvert self). It took more than a year for life to resume some sense of normalcy as we navigated our way through COVID, which only made reestablishing a social life harder.
Through it all, I kept hearing from others—and telling myself—that, no matter what, I’d have a new opportunity to create community if and when Matt and I decided to start a family.
We’ll call it the Mom Friend Phenomenon.
While I’ve been lucky enough to make some Philly friends over the last almost-four years, I’ve been anticipating the arrival of some massive deluge of car-seat-toting thirty-somethings, due right around the same time as my bundle of joy. (I did not enjoy typing that expression, but I’m here for the effect.) Matt and I have always been pretty sure that we wanted to become parents, but—particularly amid the worldwide chaos we’ve all weathered in the last half-decade or so—that wasn’t always a foregone conclusion. Even when those days—the ones when I wasn’t sure if I would become a mom—felt lonely, I took comfort in the promise of the Mom Friend Phenomenon.
Currently Reading: Fair Play by Eve Rodksy
I am not typically one for self-help reading (no judgment!), nor have Matt and I ever read anything that might be defined as a ~relationship book~. BUT, we’ve known several couples who have read and raved about Fair Play and I’ve enjoyed several interviews with its author. As we anticipate Baby K (apropos of this post), it seemed like the right time to do a little level-setting and an expectations reset, so we’re going to read this book individually and then discuss it. I’m finding it a little cringey and patronizing so far, but I also think Eve Rodsky does a great job of breaking down in plain English the frustrations that many people feel about the division of labor in their households—and I’m anxious to get more into her proposed solutions for that frustration later in the book.
In a matter of a few weeks, I am becoming a mom—and as I navigate what I know are the emotional ups and downs of the last trimester, I continue to take comfort in this potential new phase of my social life.
The good news: As one of the last child-free stragglers in most of my friend groups, I’m lucky to be surrounded by new parents who have been ready and waiting for me to join them in this stage of life. Already, they’ve been generous with their candor and advice. I’m grateful for each and every one of them!
The less-good news: the world and the media have such a way of putting their confusing expectations on expectant mothers that the over-analyzer in me can’t help but worry that it will be all too easy for me to wind up with new mom friends whose beliefs about parenthood make me feel just as shitty as my Instagram feed does.
Here’s what (I think) I’m looking for in the way of new mom friends:
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Getting It Alli Together to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.